If you have ever lost someone you truly love, then you know how difficult grief can be to cope with life. Love doesn’t stop just because their breath does. However, grief can be extremely difficult for special dates such as anniversaries, birthdays and especially during the holidays.
Holidays are extremely difficult for me as I have lost all of my family members. I grew up in a small town in Ohio with just my mom, dad, brother and always a dog. We were fortunate to be very close and loved one another very much. The holidays were always special to us. We didn’t have a lot of money but we sure made it work!
We would always have a big Thanksgiving feast and as we got older had parties on Thanksgiving eve. We always invited people over who were alone or didn’t have people to celebrate with as that is the point of giving thanks, right?
Christmas was always big and joyous celebration. Many decorations, presents, visiting friends and family, listening to music and of course too much food. When we were younger, we would visit our relatives who lived about 2 hours away which could be dangerous in the Ohio winters! As we got older and most of our relatives had passed, we started having people to our house both on Christmas eve and Christmas day! So, one can only imagine how I felt to have all of this taken away from me by 57 years. (although I do count my blessings that I did get to spend 34 years with my brother before he passed and then another 20+ years with my parents).
So how do we cope. My best advise is to listen to your heart. The first Christmas without my family, friends took me to a gambling town about 4 hours away. I do NOT recommend that at least not for me. I drank way too much and didn’t truly enjoy myself although thankful for their consideration of my grief.
The next Christmas I spent alone. My choice. I saw A Christmas Story for the very first time on TV and that has been my new tradition for 16 years. I quite decorating after my last surviving relative, my mother passed. I did get rid of my tree but after a few years I did decorate on the inside of my home and always my front door. Some years I have spent Christmas with friends but now I mainly spend it alone. No one can replace them and I have found it’s better for me to spend time alone so that when the claws of grief attach, I can cry, scream, sleep, read, watch a movie, listen to music and eat and cook what I want when I want.
Did you know that studies have shown reading fiction for just 5 minutes can cut stress by nearly 20%, and reading overall can reduce stress by up to 68%, making movies and books powerful tools for mental escape by engaging your brain in another world, offering a beneficial break from real-life troubles. Listening to music and singing significantly reduce life’s troubles by lowering stress hormones, boosting mood-lifting endorphins, improving emotional regulation, distracting from worries, and fostering social connection, acting as a powerful tool for managing anxiety, depression, and promoting overall mental resilience. Although I don’t think I have ever exercised on Christmas, exercise significantly reduces life’s troubles by lowering risks of major diseases (heart disease, cancer, diabetes), boosting mental health (reducing depression/anxiety), improving brain function (focus, memory), increasing energy, enhancing sleep, and extending lifespan by years, with benefits seen even if starting later in life. Cooking significantly reduces life’s troubles by acting as therapeutic self-care, boosting mental health through focus, creativity, and accomplishment (reducing anxiety/depression). It improves physical health via better nutrition and provides structure and control, combating feelings of helplessness and enhancing self-esteem, while also offering financial relief compared to eating out. It’s a mindful practice that builds confidence, fosters connection, and provides a sense of purpose. Travel helps with grief by offering a change of scenery to break routines, providing headspace to process emotions in a new environment, fostering resilience and new perspectives, and allowing for structured support (like group trips) or peaceful solitude in nature, acting as a physical and mental reset to navigate loss and find moments of joy or remembrance. It shifts focus from painful reminders to new experiences, which can soothe the nervous system and help you rebuild a life that includes the loss Crying is a healthy release and makes you stronger not weaker!
There is no wrong or right way to deal with your grief. If you are fortunate to have people you love and care about in your life whether you live with them or not, take them up on their invitations. I did for many years but I now prefer to be myself, not out of feeling sorry for myself, but learning to cope with life while still coping with grief that will never go away!
